Chapter 1
One Last Time
Those of us that were left of the "BROTHERHOOD of the BRAINDEAD" began to come together for the final gathering for there can be only "ONE," (I saw that in a movie once and thought it would be a good opener), don't worry it will get better or worse depending on how you look at it, anyway we started gathering in CAYO WASTE-O for the final time. Captain Nemo arrived first, King Ralph was next and the Right Reverend Mahvin a day later, a day later than what I don't know, but I do remember it was a day later.
The time had come after LO, ( how about that word, HUH, HUH) these many years to complete a job started by a few and worked on by many, some who I cannot remember, some who I wish I could remember, and some who I prefer not to remember at all. Well, enough PROLOGUE, (there is another one of those neat words), so we had gathered to begin final preparations for taking the "OLD GIRL", (this is not meant to offend any one of the opposite SEX, that is a submarine term, so if I have offended anyone who might be unfortunate enough to read this, "GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), the USS TROUT SS566 north to Philadelphia.
We started getting the running lights wired and tested as they would run off of batteries and solar cells, (we could not find a long enough extension cord), anyway the lights were wired, tested, and then retested, and all worked. Then came the flood alarms, that is always a good thing to have on a submarine, (I hate it when water gets in the people tank) all wires were connected, tested and retested and all worked.
Next came the primary tow chain, this chain is about 50 feet long and weighs about 4,500 pounds, that's right girls and boys, just a little more than a pound of bacon. Now this chain has to be connected to an I Beam on the front of the submarine with a shackle that when you handle it and go to hook it up is about as much fun as trying to hang a Volkswagen from a clothes line, oh and I forgot to mention that the rest of the tow chain has to be on the deck of the submarine so that the tow vessel can hook up and take the chain to their tow cable. "ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?" So after a few smashed fingers, 3 sore backs, one sprained ankle, and a partridge in a pear tree, the chain was secure on the deck, the shackle was in the eye and yours truly was covered in mud from the chain that went to the bottom when it slipped off the deck the first time.
So now it is Monday and we are supposed to be leaving but unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control we are now leaving Tuesday, AM, but then Tuesday, AM, turns out to be Tuesday PM and so at 4 PM on March 16, 2004 the SS566, the last DIESEL ELECTRIC submarine to leave CAYO WASTE-O, of course we are under tow with 2 of us on board for maneuvering watch, that is navy talk for "somebody throw the lines off and get everything tied down", but when you try and move something the length of a football field, "EVERYBODY WANTS TO WATCH AND TAKE PICTURES" so getting out of the harbor was a feat in itself for the tug driver, the traffic made Orlando, Florida at rush hour look like a Sunday school picnic, but when you see something 156 feet long, 80,000 tons, 6000 horsepower, and FOUR stories high coming at you, people have a tendency to give you the right of way, (especially when the tug captain gets on the bullhorn and asks them where do they want the body sent, YEEHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). So finally clearing the harbor and then going by all the tourists and waving for the picture takers we cleared Ft. Taylor and then the sea buoy and then got "ON THE ROAD AGAIN," I heard that in a song and just thought I would throw that in.
WELL!!!!!!!! the first night out the running lights don't work. The running lights are the red and green lights that are lit at night so you can see the ship and tell which direction it is going. Anyway they are not working so all night we keep a search lite on the boat to keep an eye on her. So now comes the really fun part as Captain Nemo and yours truly, King Ralph have to get back on the boat and fix the lights, now picture this, you are 15 miles off shore, 3 to 5 foot seas with 5 to 7 foot swells trying to jump into a 12 foot rubber Zodiac boat so it can be rammed into the side of a submarine so we can jump off and fix the lights. "YEAH BABY, WE ARE HAVING FUN NOW!!!", well that is exactly what happens according to the plan, we fix the lights and then we have to repeat this process to get back to the tug. The good news is we did it, the bad news is, looks like I am going to need more therapy to keep from walking with a limp and I am sure Captain Nemo will be fine also, but that is another story. The good news is it was St. Patrick's Day, the bad news was there was no green beer to celebrate with, but we are back "ON THE ROAD AGAIN."
Chapter 2
Light up King Ralph
Well, we head out on a somewhat northerly course heading in the general direction of Philadelphia and as it gets dark we check the running lights and guess what, yup, you guessed it, they don't work again. I want to thank Home depot for a 12 volt photocell times 3 that doesn't work, I will be sure not to buy one from them and at the same time I have come to understand why they call ships and submarines "SHE." They let you think everything is OK and then ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH it ain't.
So not only do the lights not work, but now the weather wants to get in on the act and now the fun begins. I went down after the so-called repair and took a nap from 4:30 to 5:30, (you gotta have this part to understand the rest), and then at 5:30 got up to go on watch at 6:00 PM, supper was ready so I gulped down 2 greasy pork chops, some jambalaya rice with greasy sausage, (starting to get the picture), and just for color some green peas. So up to the wheel house I go, (that is nautical talk for where they put the steering wheel), the first hour of this 6 hour watch was pretty uneventful, but then (refer to the first sentence of this paragraph), things start to get a little dicey, the wind picks up to between 20 and 25 knots, waves are 15 to 20 feet, (your assignment is to figure it out), here is a hint, the waves are coming over the bow and up against the windows in the wheel house. Everything I ate is starting to turn like in a butter churn, so about 7:30 King Ralph appears in all his royal upchuckness and starts driving the royal porcelain bus for the next 3 hours, much to the glee of the tug crew, Captain Nemo and the Right Reverend Mahvin, of course we have all been through this so no sympathy is expected and none will be given. Well king Ralph has finally had it about 10:30, I have driven the bus for 3 hours, fallen down the steel stairs twice, banged up my arm, tore up my stomach and (SEVERELY DAMAGED MY PRIDE, but we are having fun now, YEEHAW!!!!!), so as I managed stumble to our stateroom and wake Mahvin and explain my most serious situation, Mahvin said he would take the rest of my watch and his. Well, the good news is that after 12 hours of serious bed rest KING RALPH will live with only some psychological scaring, no therapy, and another page in the history of.
Chapter 3
The Next Day
The weather has calmed down and now it is time to get back to the sub and fix the running lights for the final time, Captain Nemo gets to go back, but this time we are going to hard wire the lights, let them run 24 hours a day as we have plenty of battery and solar cells to charge the batteries. So again the zodiac slams into the sub, Captain Nemo jumps off, scrambles up the sail, hard wires the lights, scrambles down the sail, the zodiac slams the sub again, Captain Nemo jumps on board and away they go back to the tug, the lights are working and all is right in MUD RIVER. (FYI-the seas are smooth, that is why only one person was needed)
That evening the seas and the wind start to do their thing, (refer back to the female ARGHHHHHHHH) only now the seas get up to 25 to 30 foot waves and the wind is now up to 30 knots, so here we go again, We get to (RIDE the WILD SURF), that was a movie way back when, but it still works, so now we only have one choice and that is to HAUL A _ _ and make sure we do it in one load. We are taking water over the wheel house big time and getting banged from side to side, sometimes life is a little more fun than other times, UH HUH, UH HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. The good news is we made the safe haven off of Morehead City, N. C. and from the looks of the weather, we will be here for a few days, bobbing around like a cork in a bathtub.
Chapter 4
BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So we finally make safe haven off of Morehead City, N C, of course safe haven usually means calm water and nice breezes, WELL NOT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!, calm water is 2 to 4 foot seas and 3 to 5 foot swells at anchor!!!!!!!!!!! So after 36 hours of getting bounced around in the CALM WATER, the weather forecast says that things are going to calm down around Cape Hatteras and the Captain says we are "going to make a run for it," Oh Boy, here we go again!!!!!
Chapter 5
And AWEIGH We Go
6 AM, 36 hours later and the Captain says weigh anchor, well you don't really weigh the anchor because everybody already knows that it is ONE HEAVY SUCKER, that is nautical talk for "get that hummer out of the dirt", so the guys who do that go out there and start hoisting the anchor and finally they say "ANCHORS AWEIGH", that is nautical talk that means, "we got the hummer out of the mud" and the Captain again points us on a course, of course toward Philadelphia. I had the first watch from 6 AM to Noon and so as we rounded "Cape Kick Your A@#", (that is HATTERAS for those who don't know) around 8 PM, that night yours truly was sleeping soundly and avoided any consequences that might have come about due to the beating we were taking. (refer to chapter 2 {;-)
Chapter 6
Oh Boy, Here We Go Again!!!!!
Seems like everything runs in 36 hour time frames, because here we are 36 hours later and it is midnight, we have been getting prepared for the changeover and what is the changeover you ask, WELL I am going to tell you, (yeah right like I wasn't going to say anything), anyway feature this, it is midnight at the mouth of the Delaware River (Delaware Bay), the seas are running 3 to 5 feet with swells to 8 feet, the temperature is about 10 degrees with the chill factor (and I don't want to EVEN think about the water temperature!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Captain Nemo and King Ralph have to transfer from the tug to the PILOT BOAT, (that is the boat that brings the guy out that knows the river and the law says you have to have one ), and then we get to take the pilot boat over to the submarine and UH HUH, you guessed it, we get to jump on the submarine and you only get one try because after that you are TOAST!!!, oh by the way did I mention that after we get on the submarine, we get to try and haul a 2" line aboard while we are standing on a water soaked, slippery deck about 6 feet wide that is tied to the trailing tug, (while we are being towed through the water at about 12 miles an hour with the line being drug through the water also) Oh yeah, We are having fun!!!!!!!!!!, that is the tug that has to keep our tail from drifting left or right in the channel. The good news is we got it pulled in and tied down, of course the temperature was such that by the time we got done, neither one of us could talk because our jaws were sorta frozen in place.
Chapter 7
Down We Go?????
I bet you thought we were going to dive the boat?, WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!, now it is about 1:30 AM and we have to go down inside the boat and start deballasting her, (again, nautical talk for this "SHE" has to shed a few tons), so here we are, running around like rats in a sewer pipe, (ah, but we have flashlights) just the 2 of us on a pitch black submarine in the middle of the Delaware River putting this lady on a crash diet. So from 1:30 AM to about 7 in the morning we managed to make her lose about 16 tons, (this has nothing to do with the song of the same name), don't you ladies wish you could lose weight that fast { : - ) and after all that now we get to go up on the top of the sail and just watch as we go up the river, I forgot to tell you that it takes 14 hours to get there up the river. At about 2:30 PM we finally get to our mooring pier (that's nautical for "hey, we got a parking place"), in beautiful downtown Philadelphia, what a depressing place, not to mention the fact that it is colder than you know what up there, another couple of hours and we are finally tied up, got the gangway across and shore power hooked up. YAY!!!!!!!!!!, DRY LAND AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Eight
The Last Day
The next morning we started taking all the temporary equipment off of her that we brought with us and packing it in the truck we are going to drive back to CAYO WASTE-O, so after 3 years of never really being sure what was going to happen. The old girl is tied up in Philadelphia and no one is really sure what is going to happen to her. She could be come a museum in a couple of places among other options. So as we drove away for the last time, we all said our good-byes to her in our own way, I hate good-byes so I just said, SEA U LATR, and then somebody said "Did you hear about the sub out in.................................
As a follow up to this story after about 2 years of sitting in Philadelphia, some admiral up in Washington, D.C. got his panties in a WAD and spent approximately $380, 000.00!!!!!!!!!!!! to have the OLD LADY towed to Brownsville,Tex to be turned into RAZOR BLADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
